Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
