got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize