her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
