Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
