his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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