This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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