I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
