i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
