Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
