from now on my penis is your penis
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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