You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
