My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
