Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just want to make out with him forever
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
