Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
