Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
