I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
