the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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