I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
