my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
