if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
