But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
