i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
