Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
