He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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