I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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