I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
