i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
