their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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