Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Porn is love you can see.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
