I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
