i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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