i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
