she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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