I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
