I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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