well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
