Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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