This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
