There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
