This house was built for laser tag.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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