I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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