I can tuck mytits in my pants
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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