before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
