Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
