I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
