HIV tests are more positive than that guy
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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