my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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