I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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