The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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