apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
