Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
