Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
