I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
