porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
