at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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