How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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