My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
