I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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