if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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